


I Miss You So Much

by LadySolitaire83



Series: If Jack Had Lived... [1]
Category: Lost
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Female Friendship, Flash Sideways Verse, Jate, Post-Series, Pregnancy, Romance, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 01:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2489369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadySolitaire83/pseuds/LadySolitaire83
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every day since they got off the Island, Kate has wondered if she could have done more to get Jack to leave with them and just let the Island sink. What if Kate were given a chance to experience a happy day with Jack?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss You So Much

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to post this fic on the 10th anniversary, but it took me a while to finish the first draft.
> 
> This is my first Jate fic, so please be gentle with me. It also sets up a crossover with my current OTP. I hope y'all like this.
> 
> I own nothing. Everything belongs to ABC, JJ Abrams, Damon Lindelof, and Carlton Cuse. If I owned LOST, Jack Shephard, and Kate Austen, then Jate would have been canon before Season 4. All mistakes are mine. Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome.

Kate wished her gun weren't slightly out of reach.

She had awaken to rustling in the room a few moments earlier and had frozen when she heard a masculine voice curse under his breath. She shut her eyes again and kept her breathing even while she listened to the intruder's movements. _How did he get in?_ _And why the hell didn't I put my gun under my pillow last night?_ Opening her eyes, she blinked several times until she adjusted to the light coming from a lamp. She slowly turned her head and mouthed a series of expletives when her gaze fell on a tall man taking off his pants. She let out a soft gasp when she noticed a familiar tattoo on the upper left part of his bare back. The man turned around, and her eyes widened when she recognized him.

"Did I wake you? Sorry. I, uh, ran into a complication during surgery, and it took me a bit of time to fix it," he explained as he threw his clothes into the hamper. Giving her a tender smile, he removed his watch and placed it on the nightstand. "Oh, don't worry about dinner. I got a cheeseburger on the way home." After grabbing a sleeveless shirt from a nearby chair, he bent down to kiss her on the cheek. "Go back to sleep. I'll join you in a minute." He flashed her a sheepish grin when he broke wind on his way to the bathroom.

Disregarding his gentle suggestion, she sat up as quickly as she could and covered her mouth with her hand. "It can't be," she whispered to herself. "I've gotta be dreaming." So she pinched her arm and winced at the pain. The diamond on her ring glinted in the light shed by the lamp, and she stared at it with shocked and disbelieving eyes. _I haven't worn this ring in a long time._ She looked down at her swollen belly and exhaled. _I'm still pregnant._

"So how was your day?" he asked as he joined her in bed. When he received no response, he furrowed his eyebrows and studied her face. "Are you all right, Kate? You haven't said anything since I got home. Did anything happen while I was at work? Is it the baby?" He raised his hand to cup her cheek, but he froze when she pulled away from him. "Kate?"

"Y-you're dead, Jack," she croaked. She shut her eyes and shook her head, as if to clear his image from her mind. She opened her eyes moments later, hoping that he had disappeared. A frightened whimper issued from her throat as she stared at her ex-fiancé's bemused expression. "D-Desmond came back from the Island with a note from Hurley. He said Vincent led them to your body. He and everyone who stayed buried you! So you _can't_ be real." A thought crossed her mind, prompting her to rise from the bed and remove a gun from the nightstand drawer. "Are you the man who wanted to destroy the Island? What do you want from me?" she asked as she pointed the gun at him.

The wrinkles on his forehead deepened. "What are you talking about? You were there when he died. You shot him, remember? And I kicked him off the cliff." He knelt on the bed and raised his hands, as if he were surrendering. "Kate, please calm down and sit back down. And put the gun away. You won't need it." He placed his hand on his chest while keeping the other hand up. "It's me, OK? I'm not a figment of your imagination. I'm here. I'm real. Didn't you feel it when I kissed you?"

She kept the gun trained on him. "But you're _dead_!"

Jack rose and, raising his other hand again, he advanced towards her. "Kate, _Ben Linus_ died. He volunteered — insisted, actually — to turn back on what Desmond turned off. He said he wanted to atone for his sins against Jacob and the Island. He knocked me out to prevent me from doing it myself, remember? You and Sawyer woke me up. Then we swam to the sailboat. When we reached the Hydra Island, we had to convince Claire that she won't be alone in parenting Aaron, that we'll help her. We got to the plane just in time to avoid falling into the ocean. We landed in Honolulu before we went back to Los Angeles. We got back together, decided to get married again, and found out you were pregnant. The judge added five years to your probation so you didn't have to stay in jail. We even drove the Littletons to the airport when they left for Sydney. Do you remember Aaron crying and refusing to let you go?" He had reached her as he finished recounting the events of the past several months. He slowly lowered his hands to his fiancée's upper arms, and he smiled when she hardly flinched. "Can you feel my hands?" he asked in a soft voice and a soothing tone.

"Yes," she whispered, giving him a small nod as well.

His hands moved to cup her cheeks. "See? I'm not dead. Do you believe me now, Kate?"

She stared at him for several moments. _But it's impossible_ , she mused. _Did I dream Desmond's visit then?_ Slowly, she reached up to touch his face. Tears welled up as her fingers made contact with his warm and stubbly jaw. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Suddenly, utter joy replaced the sorrow in her heart. "J-Jack?"

He gave her a soft smile. "Yeah?"

Sniffling, she looked into his gentle eyes. "Your bedside manner has improved so much."

His eyes widened before he burst out laughing. "Well, thank you," he answered between fits of laughter. He gazed at her once he calmed down. "Are you all right, Kate?"

"Yeah, I'm all right. I-I must have had a bad dream about you, that you died on the Island."

He took her hands and guided her towards her side of the bed. "Sit down. I'm just gonna get my stethoscope."

She followed him with her eyes and shook her head. "It's nothing, Jack. The dream was just so vivid and so sad. I'm fine, really."

"Well, we'd better be safe than sorry. Breathe in and then breathe out," he instructed as he sat next to her and began examining her chest. After a few moments of listening and nodding, he pressed the bell to her belly. A couple of minutes later, he finished his examination. "Everything sounds normal. But make sure to mention the bad dreams to your doctor next week, all right?"

She nodded and smiled at him in an attempt to ease his mind. "But, Jack, it's just one bad dream. The baby should be OK, right?"

He replaced the instrument in its case before returning to the bed. He pulled her towards him as he lay down and let her head rest on his chest. "Our last days on the Island were traumatic as hell. Our friends — Sayid, Sun, Jin, even Ben — died. And we fought to save the Island from the man who took John Locke's form. So we have to make sure that the stress of what we went through wouldn't cause early or premature labor. You're nearly 29 weeks pregnant, so the baby has about eight weeks before its organs, particularly the lungs, mature. If you gave birth within that period and its lungs hadn't developed adequate surfactant to prevent them from collapsing, then our baby will have a higher risk of developing short-term and long-term complications."

"Right. Are you going to ask me to see a psychologist?"

"Yeah, I know I-"

She snuggled closer to him and inhaled his scent. "Can we talk about this in the morning then? Please, Jack?"

"All right. Good night, Kate."

"Good night," she whispered as she shut her eyes.

Kate reveled in the feeling of his strong arms around her and of his broad chest beneath her head. Happiness surged within her as his fingers ran through her hair. But as she drifted off to sleep, she could not shake the niggling feeling that this was not how it should be.

* * *

The next morning, Kate waddled down to the kitchen and smiled when she saw Jack placing a stack of pancakes on a plate. She stood at the doorway and surveyed the plates of scrambled eggs and sizzling bacon, two glasses of orange juice, and two mugs of coffee on the kitchen island. "Wow," she said, prompting him to look up.

"Good morning," he greeted, walking towards her and kissing her on the lips. "Any more bad dreams?" He placed his hand on the small of her back and guided her towards a chair.

"Nope," she replied as she forked some eggs and bacon onto her plate. "I didn't dream at all, actually."

He sat down next to her and began eating his breakfast. "I'd like you to mention it to your doctor anyway," he insisted as he bit into a piece of bacon. "Or I can find an excellent psychologist for you to talk to."

She pursed her lips and shook her head. "Jack, I don't need to talk to a professional about last night's bad dream. It's probably just a one-off thing anyway."

He stared at her for a few moments before smiling and nodding. "All right. But if you get more bad dreams about the Island, especially if you get them on two or more consecutive nights, tell me and I will get the number of the best psychologist I could find. Deal?"

Chuckling, she reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Deal," she agreed with a sigh.

"Great," he said as he picked up his mug and brought it to his lips. "Are you meeting with Duncan today?"

"It's actually a small hearing. The DA in my case will be there. Hopefully, the judge will let us leave California for a week."

"If not, then we can always go to Napa Valley for our honeymoon next year." He stood with his plate in his hand and bent down to kiss her forehead. "It'll be fine. We will work it out, all right? Mom will understand if we can't go to Europe for our honeymoon."

She reached up to caress his nape and then pulled him down for a tender kiss. "Have I told you lately that I love you?" she whispered when she pulled away.

Chuckling, he straightened up and walked away from her. "Are you trying to sing the song, or are you seriously wondering? Because I don't remember hearing 'I love you' before we slept last night," he teased as he quickly washed his plate and coffee mug.

"Uh, both?" Laughing, she watched him as he approached her with a tender look on his face. "I love you," she said, dropping her voice to a husky whisper.

"I love you." His lips locked with hers for a few moments. Then he pulled back and dropped to his haunches before her. He kissed the swell of her belly. "And I love you, David."

She picked up her fork again and narrowed her eyes at him. "You think it's a boy then?"

He straightened up and poured orange juice into her glass. "Just a gut feeling."

"Is that a Shephard thing? Because Claire also thought that she was carrying a boy before she gave birth."

Replacing the pitcher on the kitchen island, he leaned against the chair. "I don't know. Probably." He shrugged before continuing. "What do you think? Are we gonna have a boy or a girl?"

"I don't really care much, as long as our baby is healthy and grows up to be a strong, smart, and brave person like their daddy." She winked at her fiancé.

"Oh, their mommy's a lot stronger, smarter, and braver than their daddy," he added before giving her a peck on the lips.

* * *

Kate had just reached the bottom step when the door opened. Her face softened when she saw the exhaustion on Jack's face and on the set of his shoulders. She walked over and kissed him. "Tough surgery?"

He gave her a tired smile and put his hand on her lower back. "Yeah, yeah. But it went all right. My patient should be fine within a couple of weeks."

"You didn't rip the dural sac?" she teased as she led him to the couch.

"Haha," he replied. "Very funny." He removed his suit jacket and plopped down on the couch. "No, I didn't."

"Well, sit down. Are you hungry? OK, I'll get you something to eat," she said over her shoulder as she headed for the kitchen.

A couple of minutes later, she came back with a plate of lasagna, a fork, a bottle of his favorite soda, and some paper towels. She set them down on the coffee table and then loaded a disc in the DVD player. "You know, you came home just in time to watch _The Other Boleyn Girl_ with me," she said as she sat next to him.

He swallowed the food in his mouth before nodding. "I see. And how did the hearing go? Are they letting us leave the country for our honeymoon?"

"It depends," she replied with a sigh. "They'll let us go to Europe only if I agree to wear an ankle bracelet that will transmit my location to the FBI 24/7."

"What? Do they think you're going to run away with your husband? By then, we'll have a child to come home to."

"That's what I said. But the DA convinced the judge that I could still think of a way to run even if I'm with my husband and even if I have a baby. So either a plainclothes agent tails us wherever we go or I wear the bracelet. I told them that I'd discuss it with you first, since whichever I choose will affect you too."

"Clearly, you prefer the bracelet."

"Well, it's less creepy than an agent following us around London or Rome or Paris."

Jack set his plate on the table and wiped his mouth with a paper towel. "If you're more comfortable wearing the bracelet, then go with that. As long as it _only_ transmits location, it's all right with me."

She nodded and smiled at him. "OK. I'll call Duncan in the morning."

"Will you be able to remove the bracelet in bed?" he whispered, his tone seductive and teasing.

Laughing, she nudged her smirking fiancé with her elbow. "Jack!" She sat back and stared at the television. "Probably not."

Later, when they were in bed, Jack lay on his side and traced the outline of their baby's little feet on her bare belly. He took the hand resting on her bump and slipped his fingers between hers. His gaze was on their hands, but she knew that he could feel her eyes on him.

"Yes, Jack?"

"Have you thought about a name for the baby?" he asked without taking his eyes off their joined hands.

She disentangled her fingers from his and rubbed her belly. "Elizabeth, if it's a girl. And David, if it's a boy. Why do you ask?"

He reached for her hand again and squeezed it. "If it's a boy, I think we should also give him the name Benjamin." He looked at her and smiled. "You know, for Ben Linus. If he didn't knock me out, then I would have died on the Island. If I died, then we wouldn't be back together and I wouldn't be able to witness the birth of our child."

"So you want to name our son after him?" She paused to consider his request for a few moments before she shrugged. "All right. So our baby will be either David Benjamin or Elizabeth Julienne. I like it."

"Julienne, in honor of Juliet? Ah," he uttered when she nodded. "But my mom would be devastated that her granddaughter — if it's a girl — wouldn't be named after her."

"Sorry," she replied. "We'll make it up to her on the next one."

Jack's eyes widened and his jaw dropped as she giggled. "I don't remember talking about this, but please remind me: how many kids do we want?"

Smirking, she shrugged her shoulders. "Two or three. Is that all right with you?"

He laughed and ran his thumb across her cheek. "I guess. We don't want David or Elizabeth to grow up lonely, do we?"

"No, we don't."

They stared at each other for a long moment. She took her eyes away from his and swept her gaze across his face, committing the look in his eyes, the smile on his lips, the lines on his face, and the faint gray on his temples to her memory. Her eyes locked with his, just before his mouth crashed on hers. She groaned in protest when he pulled away. "Sorry. I'm too tired from work."

She rolled her eyes and smiled at him. "Either that, or you're getting old."

"I am not that old!" he protested, while his hand began massaging her left breast.

"I was just kidding," she moaned. She growled in disapproval when he removed his hand from her breast and turned to lie on his side, draping his arm over her bump and nuzzling her neck. "I love you," she whispered as she combed his short hair with her fingers.

"I love you. Good night."

"Good night." She raised her head to look at her belly. "Good night, baby." She felt two eager kicks before the baby settled down.

She listened to Jack's breathing for several minutes until she was sure that he was fast asleep. Reveling in his warmth, she smiled as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Kate woke up to an empty space beside her. She ran her hand across the sheet and found it cold. "Jack?" she called out. "Are you awake?" She whirled around and checked her bedside clock. "Four to seven," she muttered to herself. _He's not usually awake this early._

She rose from the bed and looked around her bedroom. _His watch isn't on the nightstand._ She walked into the bathroom and surveyed the countertop. "Where's his razor and shaving cream?" Tears welling in her eyes, she left the bathroom and went straight for her nightstand. She opened the top drawer and removed a piece of paper from under her gun. _Was this even here the other night?_

 

> Kate,
> 
> Hi. It's Hurley. How are things in LA? Ben and I are doing fine. Oh, Rose and Bernard say hey.
> 
> I'm really, really sorry to tell you that Jack's gone. He bled out in the bamboo forest near the heart of the island. Vincent led us to his body. I think the dog was with him when he died.
> 
> We buried him before we sent Desmond home. All of us spoke at his funeral. Rose even cried. I wish you'd been there. Or maybe not.
> 
> Anyway, best of luck to you. And tell the others hello from me and Ben.
> 
> Hurley

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she read Hurley's note again and again. Her shoulders shook as she was racked with sobs. "Why do I always wake up believing that that dream was true?" she asked in a hoarse whisper.

Still crying, she folded the note and slid it under her gun. Several minutes later, she wiped her tears away and blew her nose into a few tissues. Once she had composed herself, she looked down at her belly and forced a smile. "Good morning, baby. Did you sleep well?"

She stood up and brushed her teeth in the bathroom before waddling down to the kitchen. "It'll be a busy day today, baby. Auntie Cassidy, Clementine, and Uncle James are visiting. And Grandma Margo is coming by this afternoon," she spoke as she dropped two slices of bread in the pop-up toaster. She chewed her bottom lip and stared thoughtfully at the empty space in front of her before depressing the toaster lever. "You know what? How about I call you David? I think your daddy's been telling me from the afterlife that you're a boy. All right, David?" She smiled at her suddenly active baby before pushing herself off the kitchen counter to get the morning paper.

* * *

"Do you still dream about Jack?" Claire asked over the phone.

Clutching the handset a bit tighter, Kate looked down and smiled sadly. She smoothed the blanket over her bump and recalled the feeling of his hands on her skin. Shaking her head, she wondered why Claire never failed to ask about her dreams every time her friend called her from Sydney.

"Kate? Are you still there?" the Australian asked, her voice laced with concern.

The brunette cleared her throat and smiled, even though she was alone in her bedroom. "Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I, uh, just-"

"It's OK if you don't want to answer it," she interrupted. "I've just been worried about you since we left for Sydney. I'm not the only one. Mum's been wondering if we should move to Los Angeles to be with you before your due date. And Aaron's been asking where Jack is."

"It's all right, Claire. I just…" She trailed off and shook her head. The tears that had been welling in her eyes rolled down her cheeks as she thought about Jack. "I-I just miss him so much. Which is probably why I constantly dream about him and, you know, how our lives could have been if he didn't stay on the Island. Every day for the last six months, I ask myself if I could have done more to get him to leave with us and just let the Island sink." Sighing, she wiped the tears off her face.

"Kate, I'm sorry, but nothing would have mattered. He was the Protector of the Island, wasn't he? So Jack needed to fix the Island one last time. Not even you could have stopped him from fulfilling his destiny. Plus, you know how stubborn he was."

Kate nodded, even though her friend could not see her. "Yes, I know. I-I just never imagined my life without him. For over three years, he was there, you know, in some capacity. Now, he's just _gone_."

"You did break up for a while before you came back to the Island," Claire pointed out.

"Yes, but he was performing spinal surgery and meeting with patients less than an hour away. I knew that he'd come if Aaron or I ever needed him. He was only a phone call away. Now, I would never see him smile, never hear him laugh, never kiss his mouth, never look into his eyes, and so on. Only in my dreams, really. Even certain memories are starting to fade. You know, when I feel like I'm starting to forget his voice, I listen to this voice memo that he recorded on my cell phone when we were together." She sat back against the headboard and rubbed her swollen belly. "He wouldn't even get to witness the birth of his child."

"But Aaron and I will be there. Margo too. We can even call your dad if you want me to. Kate, you won't be alone when you give birth."

"Thanks, Claire. I know that. But I can't help wishing that he were here with me." She smiled as she rearranged the pillows supporting her back.

"Well, you did great when you were taking care of Aaron. Besides, can you imagine how he'd be if he were alive? He'd probably be demanding to deliver the baby himself!"

She joined her friend in laughter as she pictured him taking charge in the delivery room and irritating her doctor by telling her what to do. She was imagining how she would yell at him when she felt the baby move in her belly. She lifted the hem of her white tank top and pushed her shirt up her belly. She traced the faint outlines of her baby's feet. "Hey, is Aaron around?"

"He is, but he's a little busy right now. He has a friend over and they're currently watching _Alvin and the Chipmunks_."

"I see." She grabbed her cell phone from the bedside table and took a photo of her belly. She smiled as she gazed at the sole of her baby's little foot bulging from her womb. "I'm texting you and Aaron a photo of the baby's foot right now." She uttered the last two words slowly as she waited for the message to be sent. "It's a little grainy because of the lighting, but you can still see the little outline." Once the confirmation appeared, she turned off the device and placed it on her nightstand.

Nearly two minutes later, Claire laughed. "Oh, my God! His foot is so big compared to Aaron's!"

"Really? You think it's going to be a boy?" Kate rubbed her bump, playfully poking her baby's foot as it kicked.

"Actually, it's more of a gut feeling. I'm kind of good at that," she answered with a giggle. "What names have you settled on?"

"If it's a girl, I'm leaning towards Elizabeth. According to the baby name book that I bought, it means 'consecrated to God'. And it's such a classic and majestic name for a little girl. What do you think?"

Claire repeated the name a few times. "I like it. And if it's a boy?"

"If it's a boy, which is my gut feeling too, I'm thinking of naming him David. The book says it means 'beloved'. Which would be appropriate because, from the moment I got over the shock of finding out that I was pregnant, I loved this child," she explained, her voice breaking at the last four words as tears rolled down her cheeks.

She heard her friend curse softly, so that Aaron and his friend wouldn't hear it. "I'm so sorry, Kate. Now I've made you cry!"

She began wiping the tears away as she tried to compose herself. "It's all right, Claire. Don't worry about it. It's just... I've been feeling a little lonely these days. I'm sorry. It's probably the hormones too," she added with a chuckle.

"Hasn't Sawyer volunteered to be your baby's surrogate dad?" she asked with a giggle.

Kate shook her head. "No, he hasn't. Even if he wanted a romantic relationship with me, I'm not sure I'd want one."

"Well, why not?"

"I don't know. I guess it's because he and I have been better friends since we got back. He's still mourning Juliet, and I'm doing the same for Jack. It'd just be too weird."

"Er, do you still love Sawyer?"

"No, not anymore," she answered, her voice quiet but her tone firm. "When I told Jack that I loved him — every time since we got together until the last time I saw him — I meant it."

"Speaking of Sawyer, where's he now? Miles would only shrug whenever I ask him about Sawyer."

"He's, uh, living in Albuquerque to be close to his daughter. I think he's trying to get into the police department there. They were just here this morning, actually."

"I see. Good for him. I hope he-" A little boy's voice, which sounded like Aaron's, interrupted Claire's words. "Sorry, Kate, hang on."

"OK," she replied. She strained her ear to hear their muffled conversation but couldn't catch a word.

"Hey, Kate?" her friend said nearly a minute later. "I've gotta go. Aaron and his friend want to go to the pizza place. Miles usually drives them, but he just flew back to Los Angeles."

"Oh, OK. It's late here anyway. Good night, Claire!"

Instead of her friend's cheerful voice, she heard the little boy's small voice. "Good night, Mummy Kate!"

She smiled and teared up a bit. Although she was pregnant with her first child, she would always think of him as her eldest son. "Good night, Goober. I miss you!" _And I miss you calling me Mommy._

"Miss you too. Bye!" he answered. Claire bid her a hasty goodbye before she hung up.

She wiped the tears in her eyes before placing the phone on her nightstand. She set her bedside alarm to 7 AM. After rearranging the pillows, she slid down the bed and shifted until she found a comfortable position. "Good night, David," she said as she smiled down at her bump. The baby gave one soft kick before settling down for the night.

She shut her eyes and a lone tear rolled down her temple. "Good night, Jack," she whispered. "I love you and I miss you so much," she added before sleep took her.

**Author's Note:**

> Headcanons depicted in this fic:
> 
> 1\. Jack impregnated Kate when they hooked up before returning to the Island.
> 
> 2\. David (from Jack's flash-sideways) would have been Jack and Kate's son if Jack didn't die at the end of the series.
> 
> 3\. Sawyer decided to pursue a career in law enforcement and to build a relationship with Clementine.
> 
> 4\. Claire and Aaron went back to Sydney. She and Miles started dating.
> 
> So what do you guys think? Hate it? Like it? Love it?


End file.
